Assertive, Not Aggressive: A College Student’s Guide to Confident Communication in Charleston SC
The Directing Zone - Assertive vs. Aggressive Communication
Assertiveness = Clarity + Respect.
Being assertive means speaking up clearly and respectfully. It’s a vital skill for leadership, boundary-setting, and self-advocacy. Assertive communication is best used in tandem with the other zones of communication as well. That way, it is not a constant directing and leading, but taking time to hear from and connect with others as well.
Assertive communication is critical for engaging with others to create change and provide direction. Strong assertive communication skills are commonly considered signs of a strong leader. Imagine someone who can take charge and use their voice to direct or inspire others to meet a goal. Assertive communication also includes knowing how to set boundaries and express needs. Assertive communication allows one to advocate for themselves and others.
For many people, this skill feels out of reach. You may know what you want to say, but your voice escapes you. You have plenty of thoughts and needs, but it feels like there’s a block when you decide to share them. Or maybe the thought doesn’t even cross your mind to share what you’re thinking. It can feel scary to speak your truth, especially when you’re worried about what others might think.
Lack of confidence, cultural norms, emotional triggers, exhaustion, and lack of skills are all obstacles to assertive communication. People struggling with self-confidence often don’t feel that they have enough importance to share what they think or stand up for themselves. Many women feel as if they were trained by societal norms to not say “no,” to apologize, and to be gentle. And for some when we are feeling emotionally triggered by our past it may bring up our startle response and we go to flight, freeze, or fawn, instead of fight. And, when we are exhausted and already worn down with excessive work then it gets even harder to set our boundaries or stand up for ourselves.
For others, leading, directing, and telling people what you really think might feel like second nature. But, you may tend to “ruffle feathers.” Or, you might feel frustrated when people aren’t changing no matter how much you’re telling people. This may signal the line between assertive and aggressive communication being crossed.
Aggressive communication is described as coming off as hostile, domineering, or “silencing.” Either the amount you’re talking or the words you’re using are leading others to feel like they can’t say anything at all or feeling bullied into action instead of guided. Aggressive communication might be threat-based or including ultimatums, pushing someone to think or be like you, or demanding others to change. Assertive communication might be communicating for a similar purpose but is presented with more connection, calmness, and clarity.
Assertive communication sounds like:
“I can’t make it.” or “I can’t make it. Thank you for the invite.”
“Please wear a mask around the baby.”
“I need some space. I’ll be in my room for an hour.”
“I know you meant well, but I know what’s best for me.”
“What you said was offensive to me. Please don’t say that again.
Aggressive communication, on the other hand, can feel overpowering or silencing. It may push people away, even if the intention is to solve a problem. Aggressive communication is focused on what the other person is doing wrong without clear direction.
Aggressive style often looks like:
Talking at people rather than with them
Using intimidating body language or tone
Dismissing or shutting down other viewpoints
Assertive communication focuses on:
Boundaries
Clarity
Calm delivery
Connection and respect
Final thoughts:
Whether you're leading a team, setting a boundary with a friend, or simply sharing your perspective, assertiveness empowers you, and invites others to do the same.
