“Are You Really Listening?” A Guide to Active Listening for Students in Charleston South Carolina

Are you a good listener, or just avoiding conflict?

Are you a great listener? This might be your sweet spot! Do you avoid conflict? This might be where you’re getting stuck! Do you move fast and like to take charge? This might be where you struggle. Listening is a powerful tool to help strengthen relationships, connections, and decision making. The receiving/ listening zone of communication is incredibly valuable as it helps to understand others’ points of view. It can open your mind and give you more clarity. Even if you see something very differently from someone else, opening your ears and mind to a different perspective can help you see a bigger picture.

It’s important to distinguish between active and passive listening. Active listening is an effective and transformative tool, whereas passive listening inspires little change or meaningful connection.  Active listening includes inquiry, to get to know someone’s experience better, and empathic responses that demonstrate connection and understanding of the information being shared. Active listening allows the other person to feel seen and heard without judgement. This can be both healing and effective for relationship building and can help aid the talking party to feel more clear in their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. 

Passive communication may feel more disconnected and one sided. Passive communication describes one person expressing something while the other is standing silently as the information passes by them. Passive communication might look like no eye contact with little to no responses. Passive communication might look like nodding and saying yes to appease the other person with no meaning or changes taken from the conversation. Passive communication may be a response of feeling afraid of connecting, wanting to just appease someone rather than be active in the situation, or feeling too stressed and overwhelmed to fully engage.

Active listening includes strong eye contact, mirroring body language, and verbal and non-verbal responses that encourage the talking party and demonstrate understanding. Understanding doesn’t have to mean agreeing, but hearing and respecting. This is a key skill in many conflicts to help disarm, heal, and move forward. This is what your partner is talking about when they say they want to be “seen and heard.”

A key detail in active listening is that you aren’t listening to jump in and speak unless the other person is asking for you to do so. Your responses are very instead to demonstrate understanding and encourage more sharing. One of the most effective ways to do this is by providing reflections or paraphrasing. Reflections demonstrate empathy of the other person’s experience. You are mirroring back what you’re hearing. 

Active Listening is not the same as staying quiet. It involves:

• Asking thoughtful questions

• Responding with empathy

• Showing you’re present through eye contact, nodding, and engaged body language

Imagine being a student learning about a topic that interests you. This is how you can approach listening to someone else to demonstrate active listening. They are the expert on their life and perspective and you are the student learning.

Passive Communication, by contrast, looks like:

• No eye contact

• Staying silent to avoid conflict

• Withdrawing or “going along” to keep peace

Active Listening Skills:

• Verbal reflections:

  • “That sounds really tough.”

  • “It seems like this has been weighing on you.”

  • “You’ve been thinking a lot about this.”

• Encouraging questions:

  • “Tell me more about that.”

  • “How was that for you?”

  • “What led you to that decision?”

• Non-verbal cues:

  • Nodding

  • Eye contact

  • Responsive facial expressions

  • Putting away distractions (like your phone)

Listening deeply is one of the most powerful tools for building trust, connection, and resolution, especially in conflict. Slowing down and listening to someone else can also help you learn more about yourself and the world around you. We all have our own unique perspectives, ideas, and thoughts. One person doesn’t know it all. Taking time to listen and learn from someone else, can only help us to keep growing.

What’s YOUR Communication Style? Better Relationships for women in Charleston, SC

What is your communication style?

Are you passive, passive-aggressive, aggressive—or something else entirely? Communication is more than just talking or listening—it’s knowing when to do which. The goal is to move smoothly between listening and expressing yourself, depending on the moment. Developing your communication skills can be incredibly useful for strengthening your work success and social life. Intentional communication can also deepen the quality of your relationships. Harnessing your communication skills for your intimate relationships improves the connection, cohesiveness, and the ability to work through the inevitable conflicts. 

Communication Zones

There are different “communication zones”, each with a purpose. Sometimes, we need to lead or be direct. Other times, we need to listen and support. A lot of times we are living somewhere in between. By understanding and harnessing skills from each zone, you can seamlessly navigate your personal and professional relationships with more awareness.The three zones of communication include the receiving zone, the directing zone, and the “mixed” zone. Each zone describes the quantity of contribution to the conversation, but all are equal in importance and quality of communication. Effective communication is assertive communication. One can be assertive in all three zones. 

The receiving zone includes more listening then talking. This zone is incredibly effective for communicating by letting others feel seen and heard and by understanding a different or new experience. When disengaged, stressed, disoriented, or scared, this zone looks a lot like passive communication which is ineffective due to the lack of connection and authenticity. It’s hard for meaningful change to happen when one party is being passive. 

The directing zone includes more talking and leading in conversations. The directing zone is crucial for expressing visions, needs, and boundaries. This zone is important for self-protection, self-expression, and leading. This zone can be very ineffective if someone is so stressed and disoriented that they are coming across as aggressive. Aggressive communication feels hostile and discouraging of other voices. 

The mixed zone is in the middle of the receiving and directing zone and uses both listening and contributing to communicate with others. This zone is collaborative and often focused on problem solving and connection building. If someone is unskilled or uncomfortable with directive communication, they are more likely to lean into this zone with “passive-aggressive” tendencies. This means when they try to express a need, vision, or boundary they may do so in a way that is unclear, confusing, or uninviting. 

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Reflection questions:

Communication styles exist across a spectrum and you may have different styles in different areas in your life. You may naturally fall more often in to one zone, and that’s okay! Consider your area of strength and the others as your areas of growth! Use these reflection questions to explore where you may fall on the spectrum in different areas of your life. 

• Are you more of a listener or a talker? Think deeper: do you work things out by talking it out or being quiet with your thoughts? Do you love expressing yourself or do you love hearing more about other people?

• When are you more likely to be a good listener? When are you more likely to say something you don’t mean?

• Is it easy or hard for you to express your thoughts, needs, or boundaries? When you speak? What do you share? 

• Are you more reserved with private details or do you lean towards dumping it all out?

• Do you avoid or embrace conflict? Are you a people-pleaser, or do you like shaking things up?

• In what areas in my life (ex: work, friends, family, etc.) do I feel most comfortable expressing myself? Which areas do I feel least comfortable? Why?

• What makes you feel grounded? What actions or activities make you feel calm, clear, and secure?

• What makes you feel empowered? What actions or activities make you feel confident and expressive? 

Before you speak, get grounded.

Feeling overwhelmed or reactive? Try this:

• Pause and reflect- how stressed and regulated am I feeling right now? 

• Take some deep breaths or engage in one of your favorite calming activities- give yourself some time whether it’s a 60 seconds or 24 hours to make sure you are in a less reactive place of communication.

• Remember your intention- Ask what you are trying to achieve out of your communication?

Speak Confidently, get empowered.

Feeling like the cat has your tongue? Try this.

• Reach out to a friend for support- reach out to your favorite hype person or someone you know you can trust to practice or get some encouragement. 

• Try writing it out first- put the words to paper to give yourself some practice and clarity! 

• Exercise, sing, draw, or do whatever it is that makes you feel most strong and most like yourself. 

How to Set Boundaries with Roommates, Friends, and Professors (Without Feeling Guilty!)

Boundaries. That word alone can make your stomach twist, right? If you’re a college student or young adult, chances are you’ve run into situations where you wanted to say no, but didn’t. Maybe it was a roommate who kept borrowing your clothes, a friend who keeps unloading her problems at 2 a.m. (!!), or a professor who expected more than your schedule could realistically allow.

At Ethredge Counseling Group, we hear this all the time: “I know I need boundaries, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.”

The guilt is real.

But here’s the thing, boundaries aren’t mean! They’re actually the foundation of healthy, respectful relationships. In fact, at ECG, we believe clear is actually kind!

Let’s break down how to set boundaries with people in your life, without carrying a ton of guilt or second guessing yourself.

What Are Boundaries, Really?

Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself to protect your time, energy, mental health, and personal space. Think of them like invisible fences. They’re not walls to keep people out, but guidelines for how others can interact with you in ways that feel safe and respectful.

Without boundaries, relationships tend to get confusing, overwhelming, or even harmful. When you're juggling school, a social life, work, and your own wellbeing? Boundaries aren’t just a good idea, they’re a necessity.

The Guilt Trap: Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Hard

Let’s be honest. Many of us were raised to be accommodating, “nice”, agreeable, or even self sacrificing. Saying “no” can feel selfish when you’re just starting out on your boundaries journey. You might worry people will get mad, pull away, or think you’re difficult. (Again, that’s a very normal feeling when you are just starting to learn healthy communication skills!)

Here’s the truth: people who care about you will respect your boundaries. The ones who don’t? That says more about them than it does about you. They may need a little time to adjust to your new boundaries, and if they can’t adjust, that may give you some good information about the future of that relationship.

Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away or being mean. It’s about protecting your energy so you can show up for your life, your goals, and your relationships in a healthier and happier way.

Boundaries with Roommates: Your Space, Your Sanity

Living with someone, especially someone you didn’t know well before college, can be tricky. Little things like shared spaces, guests, noise, and cleanliness can cause big tension without clear expectations.

Try this:

• Set up a “roommate meeting” early on (and even monthly!). Talk about preferences for sleep schedules, guests, chores, and alone time.

• Be direct but respectful: “Hey, I’ve been having a hard time sleeping when there’s noise after midnight. Can we figure out a quiet time that works for both of us?”

• Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory: “I feel overwhelmed when the kitchen is left messy, and it makes it hard for me to focus. Can we work out a cleanup routine?”

Roommate boundaries aren’t about being picky, they’re about protecting your long term peace and fostering mutual respect.

Boundaries with Friends: Saying No Without Losing the Friendship

Friendship is supposed to feel mutually supportive, not draining. But sometimes, especially in college, you may find yourself in dynamics where you’re the default problem solver, the one always saying yes, or the one avoiding hard conversations.

Here’s how to shift that:

• Be honest: “I love being here for you, but I’m feeling emotionally overwhelmed right now. Can we talk later when I have more energy to listen?”

• Don’t over explain. A simple “I won’t be able to make it tonight, but I hope it’s fun! Let’s hang out next week!” is totally enough.

• Watch for one-sided friendships. If someone consistently crosses your boundaries or gets upset when you express your needs, that might be a red flag.

Healthy friendships can survive boundaries, and often get stronger because of them.

Boundaries with Professors: Advocating for Yourself Academically

Professors might seem intimidating, but they’re human, too! While it’s important to meet your academic responsibilities, it’s also okay to speak up when you’re overwhelmed or need clarity.

Examples of healthy academic boundaries:

• Asking for extensions when appropriate: “I’m managing a high workload right now and would really benefit from a short extension. Would it be possible to have an extra 48 hours for this assignment?”

• Clarifying expectations: “Could you help me better understand what you’re looking for in this project?”

• Being firm but respectful: “I can’t take on extra responsibilities for the group project right now, but I’ll focus on completing my assigned part thoroughly.”

You deserve to learn and grow in an environment that supports your mental health, not just your GPA.

Tips for Setting Boundaries Without the Guilt

Even when you know you need to set a boundary, the guilt can sneak in.

Try these mindset shifts:

• You’re not responsible for other people’s feelings. You can be kind and clear, and how they respond is up to them. There is a difference between hurting someone, and harming someone. A new boundary might temporarily hurt someone’s feelings, but a healthy boundary is a good thing for all involved.

• Boundaries = honesty. You’re letting people see the real you and giving them the chance to meet you there.

• Practice helps. Start with small boundaries and work your way up. It gets easier the more you do it. It’s just like a muscle that hasn’t been used before! It might not feel great at first, but you will get stronger and healthier over time!

Note: Boundaries don’t need to come with a TED Talk. Sometimes a simple, “I’m not available for that right now” is all it takes :)

What If Someone Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries?

This can be painful, but it’s important data. If someone regularly pushes past your limits, dismisses your needs, or punishes you for asserting yourself, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.

Respect is a two way street. Boundaries help you figure out who’s truly in your corner. Remember, boundaries are simply letting people how best to love and support you. A true friend can learn to respect that and appreciate your bravery in sharing that.

Therapy Can Help You Build Boundary Confidence

At Ethredge Counseling Group, we support students and young adults who are learning how to speak up for themselves, protect their energy, and prioritize mental health without guilt.

If setting boundaries is new, scary, or triggering old patterns, that’s okay. It takes practice, and support. Our therapists are here to help you build those skills and use your voice with confidence!!

Final Thought: You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to ask for space. You are allowed to protect your time, your energy, and your mental health.

Boundaries are not the end of connection. They are the beginning of healthy connection.

And the more you practice, the more empowered you’ll feel.

We’re cheering you on every step of the way!!

Understanding Guilt and Shame

Shame and guilt are also incredibly common emotions that tend to be difficult to process and harness due to their implications. Shame and guilt may make us feel like we are at risk of losing acceptance or people. This risk may also lead to beliefs of being unworthy of love. Shame and guilt can be painful to experience, therefore we may let these emotions consume us or we avoid them at all costs. However, shame and guilt hold validity and purpose just like the rest of our emotions. They tell us when we are acting out of line with our own values and when we may need to make some changes with ourselves. The distinction of healthy shame and guilt vs. unproductive shame and guilt is often determined by whether these emotions are coming from within or placed on us by others. The messages of shame and guilt can only be channeled for positive action when these emotions are met with empathy from others or compassion from ourselves.

Anger is likely the emotion with the worst reputation. Many of us try to avoid or reject any notion that we may be an “angry person,” but anger is actually a valid, healthy, and useful emotion in the same way that happiness and sadness is. We might fear anger because we’ve seen the negative effects that come when others lose a grip on their anger. Unresolved or unmanaged anger has had the tendency to lead to violence, aggression, or hurtful words or actions. Hence, the bad reputation. But, when anger is felt, processed, and harnessed it has an incredible power to help us to make meaningful changes in our lives for ours and others’ benefit and can even be a powerful aid in our healing processes. 

When we don’t understand our anger we have the tendency to let it control us, where we accidentally release our anger in excess and end up hurting others or having negative consequences that are hard to come back from. For example, you may be hurt and respond with anger that  ends up hurting a friend or loved one so much that the relationship becomes very difficult to recover. Or, your anger may take over in a way that leads to physical violence or aggression that falls on to the wrong people. On the other hand, not understanding our anger can also lead to repression of anger which results in increased anxiety, depression, or a decreased ability to move on from hurt, loss, and trauma. 

It’s unfortunate that anger has such a bad reputation, because anger can be a good thing! When our body is telling us we are angry we are getting cues that we have been hurt, violated, or we may need to protect ourselves or make changes. When it comes to setting boundaries and expressing needs with others, recognizing our anger is an incredible tool! For example, you may have felt repeatedly disrespected at work and like you were given excessive responsibilities and have been put down in the process too. For example, you constantly feel like your drowning, but you don’t want to rock the boat or come across like you can’t handle the work It may take finally recognizing your anger to get the motivation to speak up and set more boundaries around your workload with management. 

Anger also has potential to have transformative effects in our healing journeys. It’s normal after experiencing trauma or loss to have residual guilt or shame that lingers. Sometimes, this excessive guilt or shame is a response to us internalizing the experience and assuming that full responsibility and blame. This may turn in to anger, but it becomes directed inward. “Ugh! If I would have just not gone there that night, this never would have happened! I’m so stupid!” This sort of self-talk is not productive. Anger towards self increases shame, anxiety, and depression and facilitates for self-limiting beliefs that may impact other areas of your life. Sometimes it takes having to really feel you anger related to a trauma to externalize the event and help remove the shame and debilitating beliefs. For example, “Ugh how could that person do that to me they are deeply unwell to think that harassment was acceptable! And they shamed me afterwards trying to make me believe I asked for it!” In this way, the anger is externalized to see the situation more clearly. Anger doesn’t always have to be acted on if the recipient isn’t a safe person to receive or hear your boundaries or experience but sharing anger with a professional or trusted one can provide you the clarity and relief you desire, as well as creative methods like journaling or art. 

While I’m describing the benefits of anger, it’s important to distinguish between anger and rage. Anger is our body’s response to a specific situation, event, or external stimuli, but rage is the physical response to pent up and unprocessed anger and/ or hypervigilance. When we are experiencing rage, or when our anger is heightened beyond our ability to see a situation rationally then we have to take time to physically release anger or de-escalate or mental status before we act. This is the danger zone where we may let our anger take over and lead us to actions that we may regret or that may cause harm.

It’s also important to distinguish between anger and irritability. A small level of irritability is normal when we are experiencing changes, increased stress, or changes causing us discomfort. However, if you are feeling constantly irritable, then there may be some unresolved anger that hasn’t been addressed. Or, if you are feeling constantly angry, irritable, there may be some other feelings that have been ignored that have manifested because they were ignored and anger felt safer. In this case, ask yourself what may be going on under the anger that is hurting you, bothering you, or causing you discomfort.

Reflexive questions for recognizing, managing, and harnessing our anger. 

Question

Example 

What makes me angry?

Feeling inferior, when people touch my stuff

What does it feel like in my body when I get angry?

My head starts spinning, my chest gets tight, I want to cry and fight at the same time

How do I start responding when I get angry or REALLY angry (signs to de escalate)

Clenching fist, ruminating on perceived threat or insult, snapping at others, shutting down

What helps me relax or calm down if I’m angry?

Exercise and deep breathing

When have I used my anger for good?

Stood up to another kid who was bullying my friend in elementary school

When has my anger been destructive?

Negative self-talk (anger directed inwards), overreacting with my dog and partner (my safe people)

When have I turned my anger inwards unduly? What was  actually going on?

Beating myself up over the breakup. It wasn’t meant to be. It’s time to let go. 

When have I unduly projected my anger outwards? What was actually going on?

When I snapped at my partner last week. They didn’t do anything wrong. I just had a bad day at work.

Strategies for managing rage, irritability, and excessive anger.

• Stress reduction (the more stress we have in our life the more likely we lose control of our anger or it builds excessively

• Journaling- venting, processing, and reflecting

• Physical exercise- reduces stress and channels aggression or fight or flight response

• Deep breathing- calms ourselves down so we can regulate our nervous system to see the situation more clearly

• Step away or allowing for some distance- give yourself some time to cool down to decide how you want to respond to your anger effectively

• Grounding exercise- step outside or try the 5,4,3,2,1 exercise to de escalate 

A great start to learning how to have a balanced approach to understanding your emotions is exploring what they are telling you. For example, sadness may tell you you are being disappointed, hurt or let down. When we are feeling that way we can respond productively by crying, talking to someone, or journaling. Sadness consumes us when we are getting lost in despair by not recognizing or channeling our sadness into something (tears, spoken word, etc).

Decoding Your Emotional Cues:

Sadness

• Message: An event or multiple events have hurt you, brought you sadness, or low mood (you are be adjusting to a loss or change)

• Productive Responses: Cry it out, share with someone you trust, journal

• Unproductive Responses: Isolation, constant negative thinking, “bottling up” until it explodes

Guilt

• Message: You may need to fix a mistake that has hurt or inconvenienced someone

• Productive Responses: Consider where you may have made a mistake and apologize if you’ve made a mistake or hurt someone, ask how you can correct the situation if possible

• Unproductive Responses: Seeking reassurance from others to make guilt go away, ignoring guilt, problem, and mistake, and potentially furthering a conflict 

Anger

• Message: You or a loved one’s physical or emotional boundaries may be threatened or may have already been violated

• Productive Responses: Deep breathing, exercise, boundary setting, action taking to change the situation, talking to therapist or a non-biased external third party

• Unproductive Responses: Lashing out (insulting, violence, throwing things), gossiping, trying to control others

Fear

• Message: You or a loved one may be in physical or emotional danger

• Productive Responses: Assess for evidence of fear, decide what action may protect yourself, seek comfort and safety, recognize when the danger is over or passed

• Unproductive Responses: Ignoring fear, not recognizing your own power and letting fear control you

Disgust

• Message: (Something feels potentially unsafe, unhelpful, or uncomfortable)

• Productive Responses: Explore what is repelling you and remove yourself from stimuli if you’re body is telling you no

• Unproductive Responses: Ignoring the need to set a boundary, or avoiding everything

Loneliness

• Message: You’re seeking connection (Connection is important to you)

• Productive Responses: Reach out to a friend or loved one (phone calls or lunch dates!), explore why you are having a hard time being by yourself, do something you enjoy

• Unproductive Response: Further isolating self, or believing the loneliness means you are unlovable, constantly relying on others to provide you comfort 

Happiness

• Message: You are emotionally secure and experiencing joy and gratitude

• Productive Responses: Share your joy and gratitude, be mindful in the present moment

• Unproductive Responses: Avoiding happiness because it feels vulnerable, forcing yourself to be happy because it seems more acceptable than other emotions that may be present (i.e., anger,sadness)

Shame

• Message: You sense a risk of being ostracized or unloved

• Productive Responses: Explore why you are feeling shame, share with someone 

• Unproductive Response: Internalizing shame and letting it rule your belief system, ignoring shame and creating “walls” to protect yourself

Boredom

• Message: You are experiencing a lack of fulfillment and/ or stimulation

• Productive Responses: Push yourself to do something you enjoy (exercise, art, crafts, cooking, calling a friend), journal

• Unproductive Responses: Reach for a substance to distract or fulfill you, overcrowd your schedule because you are afraid of how you feel when you have free time

Jealousy

• Message: An insecurity you have is being reflected by external stimuli or a possession that you have is being threatened

• Productive Responses: Name your jealousy and explore what insecurity is under it

• Unproductive Responses: Hurt others or yourself to try to make the jealousy go away or to control the risk of losing your possession 

Numb

Message: Your emotions have been ignored or have been so overwhelming that you’re body is finding them too dangerous to interact with

Productive Responses: Soothe nervous system with deep breathing and time to self. Write out and explore emotions that may be under the numbness

Unproductive Responses:

Nervous

Message: MessageYou may be taking a risk

Productive Responses: Assess your supports and strengths to determine if you are ready to take a risk

Unproductive Responses: Immobilizing or holding yourself back to avoid failure or vulnerability 

Stress

Message: You are being physiologically motivated to take action 

Productive Responses: Take breaks to relax and unwind (rest, exercise, meditate, hug your partner, create something) so that stress can be managed and used to harness energy to complete task

Unproductive Responses: Pile on more tasks to make the stress go away and produce more stress until you reach burnout 

Grief

Message: Reminds you of a loss you have endured related to safety and love. Reminds you of the preciousness of life

Productive Responses: Recognize that grief comes in waves and let it remind you of the good in your past

Unproductive Responses: Avoid feeling or remembering the good, avoid new experiences for fear of loss

Emotions Have Gotten A Bad Wrap

Emotions themselves are actually a healthy, productive, biological, and normal part of the human experience!

However, sometimes they just feel like a nuisance.

They usually feel like such a bother because they are communicating and calling on us to attend to something! And sometimes we just feel too busy or too preoccupied to do so. Also, emotions have gotten a bad reputation: an “emotional” person is considered child-like and like they can’t get a grip on reality.

Oftentimes in childhood, as a response to our youthful dysregulated emotions, we are told to “not get upset” as a response to our emotions.

This makes sense, as usually the person saying so is trying to come up with a solution to the dysregulated or over reactive response. A kid screaming and crying at the top of their lungs is a situation that adults are just looking for solutions to.

However, this response lends to not actually  figuring out how to work through the emotions. 

How We Respond To Our Emotions Matter

It’s easy to respond to our emotions in two ways:

1. Ignore them

2. Be consumed by them

One response is by being overly reactive to them and allowing them to consume us.

The more common approach as we enter adulthood is to ignore them, stuff them, or discredit them.

One response feels more active and like you’re actually doing something about it, and one is more passive and falls under the belief that there is nothing you can do about your emotional response.

Both responses are ignoring what the emotions are telling you. 

Because that’s what emotions are there for- to tell you something!

Emotions are our internal messengers and communicators to tell us how to respond to our external and physical world!

When our emotions are stuffed deep down, anxiety, depression, and/ or OCD are usually sitting on top of them. And when our emotions are out of control, anxious, intrusive, or depressive thoughts often follow.

Our mental health and cognitive functioning is strongly dependent on our ability to feel, experience, explore, understand, and cope with our emotions.

How Your Childhood Experiences Shape Your Emotions Responses

Usually the way we handle emotions is affected by the models and societal messages around us growing up.

If your family didn’t talk about emotions, then it’s likely you don’t talk about emotions.

If your family had really big and unhinged emotions that felt scary as a child, then emotions may be avoided so that your world feels more safe.

If you didn’t have a place to share or process your emotions, then you may have learned to just keep them bottled up and stuffed down (because what else were you supposed to do?).

On the other hand, we might express our emotions loudly and openly to get what we want. This could be due to trauma, confusion, or struggles with boundaries. When we don’t know how to handle our emotions, they can become explosive or overwhelming for us and others. In this case, our emotions may feel like "demons," leaving us wondering how to get rid of them.

The Power of Nonviolent Communication

Communication is at the heart of human interaction. It’s the bridge between individuals, connecting us in times of need, conflict, or joy.

However, as Marshall Rosenberg eloquently outlined in his groundbreaking work on Nonviolent Communication (NVC), much of our communication is fraught with misunderstanding, judgment, and, at times, violence.

According to Rosenberg, the way we communicate can either create barriers between us or foster deeper understanding and connection.

What is Nonviolent Communication?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), sometimes referred to as “compassionate communication”, is a method developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s. Rosenberg's approach aims to promote empathy, connection, and understanding in all forms of interaction.

NVC is based on the premise that, at our core, all human beings share similar needs, and our actions and words are attempts to meet these needs. When we become disconnected from our needs and the needs of others, we begin to communicate in ways that can be harmful or destructive.

Rosenberg identified two major forms of communication: life-alienating and life-enriching.

• Life-alienating communication includes judgments, criticisms, labels, demands, and coercion—things that often lead to conflict and misunderstanding.

• Life-enriching communication, the goal of NVC, involves creating a space where people can express their needs and feelings in ways that promote connection rather than division.

The Four Components of Nonviolent Communication

Rosenberg’s model of NVC consists of four main components:

1. Observation: Observing what is actually happening in a situation without evaluating or interpreting it. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," an observation might be, "When I talked to you this morning, you were looking at your phone."

2. Feelings: Identifying and expressing how we feel about what we have observed. Rather than hiding or minimizing our emotions, NVC encourages people to be open about what they are experiencing. "I feel frustrated and unheard" is a simple and honest way to share emotions.

3. Needs: Recognizing the underlying needs or values behind our feelings. In NVC, unmet needs are at the root of conflicts. By naming our needs, we help clarify what is driving our emotions. For example, “I need to feel valued and heard in our conversations” shifts the focus to what’s important.

4. Requests: Making clear and specific requests for actions that might meet our needs. Requests in NVC are framed positively and with flexibility, allowing the other person freedom to respond rather than feeling coerced. Instead of demanding, “Stop looking at your phone,” a request might be, “Would you be willing to put your phone down while we talk?”

These four components work together to create a communication framework that fosters clarity, empathy, and mutual understanding.