“No Offense, But…”: How Passive-Aggressive Habits Could Be Undermining Your Relationships in College
Why passive-aggressive communication is so common
A lot of us are scared to hurt people’s feelings, but we have pent up frustrations that we don’t know what to do with. This is a common cause for passive-aggressive communication. Passive-aggressive communication includes those little comments under someone’s breath, sarcasm, and mixed messages. This could include starting a comment with “no offense, but…,” or saying “That’s fine. Whatever you want” with a tone of disdain. In these situations there’s no collaboration or connection, but instead the two zones are working against each other and cancelling out the message.
It’s normal to feel frustrated or resentful, but many don’t know how to express discontent. They’ve been taught that telling someone you disagree or disapprove is wrong. Others feel clueless or lost on how to effectively tell someone they are upset and are fearful of the reaction they may receive when being honest. Instead of passive-aggression, one can practice assertive communication and boundary setting, or engage in active listening and problem solving to understand and address the problem with more of a collaborative and preventative approach.
The sweet spot of communication is collaboration and mutual connection.
Most great conversations live in the “mixed zone”, which is a balanced space where listening and sharing flow naturally. This is where shared goals, creative problem-solving, and mutual understanding happen. Similarly, strong connections and relationships usually have a balance of give and take- both or all parties have opportunity to share and all feel heard. Using both zones seamlessly is a skill that develops over time for prime and effective communication. Without awareness and skill, passive-aggressive communication uses both zones ineffectively to provide muddy and ineffective messages.
Using the two zones for collaboration looks like:
Back-and-forth discussion
Joint brainstorming
Shared decision-making
Everyone having a voice at the table
Why it matters:
Imagine working on a team project. You might not know every detail, but your unique input could fill a gap or inspire a breakthrough. Collaboration allows each person to contribute their strengths while learning from others.
Key skills:
Curiosity
Respect for different perspectives
Willingness to adjust your ideas based on new input
Confidence in your own role and value
Avoid slipping into passive-aggressive patterns here. True collaboration is clear, direct, and inclusive, not cryptic or manipulative.
The importance of mutual connection
Have you ever had someone in your life who seems only interested in talking about themselves, never really asking about you? It’s not a great feeling. Over time, the relationship can start to feel one-sided and unfulfilling.
But here’s something to consider: is it possible they have asked, but you didn’t open up? Sometimes, we assume others aren’t interested when really, we haven’t given them the chance. Try sharing more about yourself or expressing your needs. You could also directly ask for more time to talk or for them to ask about you more often, and then observe what happens.
If nothing changes, that tells you something important. But if they respond and make space for you, then you’ve used healthy, assertive communication to shift the dynamic.
On the flip side, do you sometimes find yourself oversharing? Maybe once you start on a topic, it all just spills out. Or perhaps silence makes you uneasy, so you fill every pause. These habits are totally normal, but they can sometimes contribute to one-sided relationships too.
The most meaningful connections have a balance of give and take of sharing and listening. That balance can shift, but in healthy relationships, both people are willing to notice and adjust.
